Today has been one of those days where I am plagued with doubt.
We had a serious behavior problem with one of my students this morning. Was there something else I could have done to prevent it? Am I trying hard enough? Maybe I am failing this student. Am I offering my paraprofessionals enough support and insight to aide them in their work? Have I let my workers down? Maybe I should stop teaching.
I converse with a co-worker who mentions the lengths she goes to provide healthy meals for her children. My son is a picky eater. I feed him things I know he will eat in addition to something new or less favored. Should I force him to eat the meals my husband and I eat? When he got hungry enough he would eat the healthier stuff. Right?
Then I think of my toddler. I feel bad I can’t stay home with her rather than send her to childcare. Is the childcare provider we’ve chosen the best we can get for her? How can I be sure she is getting the attention and time she needs when she is in someone else’s care? Do I spend enough time with her? Am I a bad mother? Am I failing my children?
I go home and work at my preferred job- writing. I am trying to move forward in this career. Do I need to spend more time on the manuscript I thought was finished? Is my manuscript good enough? Is my story even interesting to anyone else? Should I query another agent? Maybe I was wrong. Maybe this isn’t the path I feel God directing me toward. Am I failing God?
Despite my uncertainty, God tells me to keep working at it. Working at it all with confidence.
Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised. Hebrews 10:35-36 (ESV Study Bible)
I will never be perfect. I won’t be able to meet everyone’s needs every moment. God has put these difficult tasks before me and expects me to continue working at them with confidence. Knowing that by being in His WILL, I can achieve the rewards I hope for. I WILL be able to help provide an education for children with profound disabilities. I WILL be a good and helpful support for the people I supervise. I WILL be able to provide my children with a healthy environment to grow and reach their full potential.